So, a few weeks ago my kitchen light burned out. Sweet summer child me went out and bought a pack of your standard 60 watt bulbs from Dollar General for a couple of bucks and figured I was good to go. But this is me and you all should know by now that nothing in my life ever comes easy, not even something as seemingly simple as changing a light bulb in the kitchen.
When I went to put the bulb in, there was this freaky little florescent looking doohickey in there, with 4 prongs sticking out and the 4 long skinny bulbs all cozied up together and the whole deal. I had never seen a bulb like this before but I thought hey, maybe the hardware store will have something. I was still that sweet summer child, you see.
The bulb said it was a Phillips 13w 4p, so procuring that became my mission for the evening. But Rocky’s Hardware didn’t have it in stock because this is me and that’s just how my life goes. And also, why does that store always smell like fertilizer every time I go in there? Has anyone else ever noticed that? But anyway, even though I like to support local businesses when I can, I didn’t want to wait who knows how long for Rocky’s to get the bulbs back in stock, so I decided to try my luck at Lowe’s several days later.
Walking into Lowe’s is intimidating, especially when you are not even 5 feet tall. The ceiling goes up to Mars and it feels like it’s as big as like, 10 Gilette Stadiums. And little me is just wandering around like a babe in the woods with all these dudes in their neon camouflage carrying their paint buckets and power drills and whatever else manly men like to buy at places like this.
I finally find the light bulbs and it’s this giant aisle that goes on for what feels like miles, with every kind of bulb you can imagine and probably some you can’t. I finally find what I think is the right bulb, but the specific model number is slightly different because it’s GE brand instead. But everything else matches and it looks like my bulb and besides I’m tired of squinting at tiny boxes so I pay the 8 bucks ripoff for one stinking bulb at the self checkout and get out before I too get the urge to start wearing a John Deere hat and Dickies like the majority of Lowe’s customers.
If you think doing this wound up with me having light again in my kitchen you don’t know me very well. Because when I tried to put the bulb in, there were these tabs sticking out that wouldn’t fit into the fixture. And this meant a few days later I had to take my little Honda Fit back to Lowe’s to hang out with all the pickup trucks in the parking lot again.
At the return desk I tried to ask the lady for help because I thought maybe I just had the wrong model number, because the bulbs were two different brands. But I guess it’s sort of like how you’re not supposed to ask for Pepsi products at McDonalds because she seemed almost offended that I was trying to buy a Phillips bulb there when clearly they only carry GE. At least I got my money back? But I still didn’t have any light in my kitchen.
My mom had been following me throughout this entire saga and was nice enough to get me a cheap little lamp at Dollar Tree. Yes, you can get a desk lamp for a dollar these days… ain’t late stage capitalism grand? It wasn’t a great solution but it was better than nothing while I turned to the only option I had left: the internets. I decided I wanted to 100% match my old bulb– no more messing around with different brands.
And I know everyone has been sucked into the Amazon cult these days, but I have to say that sometimes it’s difficult looking up products on Amazon. There’s a million different listings for every little brand and variety and it’s basically like walking into a worldwide version of Lowe’s without walls. I was scared of getting the wrong bulb again because I was having trouble finding an exact match, and if I got the wrong one that meant having to go through the return process and that’s even scarier because it means I have to go to Kohls to do the return and I’m always screwing up something or other when I have to do that because in case you can’t tell this is just how my life goes.
Finally I realized hey, I should try my old buddy eBay, because maybe my bulb is discontinued and eBay is the perfect place to find something like that. Sure enough, I found a bulb just like mine and saved a whole dollar off the Lowe’s price with free shipping even: $6.99, score 😁👍
The only bad thing about buying online is you have to wait for it to come in the mail, especially when you have to wait for it in the dark with only a cheap Dollar Tree lamp from your mom to see you through. But at last it arrived and when it did I opened the box up to look at it and guess what? It was the same brand, same model number, same everything. But it also had the same tabs on it as the GE bulb I bought from Lowe’s like 2 weeks ago now. And then, when I took a closer look at my old bulb, I realized someone had actually filed off the tabs to make it fit into the fixture.
So I got up on one of my trusty stepstools (I have several 😁) to look at the light fixture, and that’s when I realized whoever changed the lightbulb before me had bought the totally wrong bulb. Because right on the fixture it said 18w 4p, which is a slightly longer bulb I remembered seeing on all of my little sojourns to Rocky’s and Lowe’s.
And I want to say I’m surprised that someone jerryrigged the wrong bulb to make it fit into the fixture, but the truth is I’m totally not. Because I live in the South End of Springfield and yeah, enough said about that. I’m just glad it didn’t cause a fire or anything.
So I went back out to fooey Lowe’s for the third time and got the dang bulb and this time it was 9 bucks I guess because it’s bigger (???) but at this point I am so done that I don’t even care anymore.
The good news is the bulb worked and I have light again and good has been restored to the galaxy after weeks of darkness.
Because seriously, changing a damn bulb in my kitchen should not be this complicated.