I’ve never thought of myself as particularly honorable before… I’ve always been more morally gray than anything: I do try to do the right thing, but there are times when I will also do what I have to do to survive, even if others may view it as wrong.
Blame it on my Batman side? I’ve waded through too much crap to be up on my high horse over rigid ideals about right and wrong.
I’ve been writing a lot about letting go, and how God and I have been butting heads about me finding love for a long time now.
He wants me to let go and trust him.
I want to fight him whenever he tells me no about someone.
And on it goes.
But what I never realized, is that for me, it’s about honor.
Years ago I made a vow to myself that I absolutely will not settle for anything less than the man of my dreams.
If I never find him, I am going to remain single for the rest of my life.
And I mean single-single. I’m demisexual, potentially demiromantic (from the cursory research I’ve done on the topic it does seem like it may be something I identify with, but I haven’t had time to thoroughly delve into it so I can’t 100% say), and I don’t have sex willy-nilly, unless you’re like, my best friend who is also my most special person who I give my whole heart to.
Needless to say, this Rainbow Tiger doesn’t get much action in a world filled with Tinder and cheap hook-ups.
Do I want to be single for the rest of my life? Of course not.
However, I’m scared.
I’m scared that God doesn’t understand that, that he’s ignoring my feelings about this. That he’s going to put me with someone who I don’t want, who I won’t be happy with.
And I’m pretty chill about a lot of things, but if I feel like you’re not listening to me, or that you don’t believe me, I will fight you to the death over that… and I think that’s why I’m having such trouble letting go of this.
I’m a warrior and a fighter, and I would rather fall on my sword and die than go against my honor by settling for someone.
But I never realized that until today, as God and I were talking, and I kept hearing him whisper to me that he found me honorable.
For years now I’ve thought that maybe God secretly thought I was a horrible, spoiled brat, who was holding out for this perfect guy who doesn’t exist.
For the record, I’m not looking for the legendary 6-6-6 guy (6′ tall, 6-figure income, 6-pack abs). Since I’m so short I don’t even like tall guys (the tallest I’d go would be about 5’10” and even that’s pushing it when you’re a full foot shorter than that 😅), money doesn’t matter to me whatsoever, and I love the big teddy bear guys since they’re much more cuddly.
So during our prayer time today when God said I was honorable, I about fell over. I asked him, “Are you sure you didn’t mean to say horrible?!”
But no, he told me that it was very admirable of me to not want to get into a relationship just to be in one. That he wished that more people felt that way.
He showed me that he does understand my feelings, and he reminded me that his honor is at stake too.
Because every time I don’t let go, I’m showing him that I don’t trust him.
I’m saying to him that I don’t believe *him*, and I don’t believe that he will honor his promise to me.
Because every time we go through this he promises me that all I have to do is let go, and then the man of my dreams will come.
And I never realized that before, that I was questioning God’s honor, every time I didn’t trust him.
And for a warrior like me, all I have is my honor.
It’s what I live for. It’s what I’d die for. It’s what keeps me upright and smiling in my rainbow sparkly adorableness, in spite of all of the rain and gloom and garbage filling up this Stray Little Failcat’s life at every turn.
Because even in the rain, things are still great. And even broken things can be beautiful.
And to question God, and to question his honor… to assume that he’s going to punish me somehow by putting me with a guy who I’m not happy with if I do let go… that’s something shameful and sinful and unthinkable. Like, in Old Testament times I probably would have been turned into a pillar of salt over that.
And I think he showed me that today because he wanted me to realize that he does see me as honorable. And that he does want to honor me, and honor my feelings about all of this.
But that he also wants me to see him as honorable, by putting my trust and my faith in him.
And he’ll honor me by keeping his promise if I’ll honor him too… by letting go.