Don’t Stop Believing

These two t-shirts carry an amazing story that I’ve been meaning to write about for quite a while now. It’s not just about Journey and Batman, in typical Emily style it’s also about Star Wars, a Game Boy, God, faith, and how you should never stop believing.

This summer I’ve been pushing myself to do all of these various adventures and try different things, because this little Piglet has been living her life in fear for way too long. And one hot day in late June I wanted to go out, but the weather was particularly miserable, not to mention extremely curly-hair-unfriendly. So I decided I would embark upon an air-conditioned adventure this time, by going to see the live-action Lilo and Stitch movie in the theater and then going to the Holyoke Mall and walking around until dinnertime, when I would treat myself to a take-out order of a cheeseburger and fries from 110 Grill (which has a completely gluten-free kitchen! 😍). And by the time I got home, the weather outside would hopefully be cooled down enough for me to enjoy my dinner in a not-too-hot kitchen.

Well, while I was at the mall I kept seeing all of these Superman t-shirts for sale, I guess because the new movie was coming out soon. And it inspired me to want to find a Batman t-shirt.

But I swear, I went to every store I could think of that would potentially have a Batman t-shirt all over the mall here and back again and over yonder hill and to infinity and beyond, and there were Superman shirts at them all, but no Batman shirts anywhere.

And you know, it’s kind of disheartening to be a Batman fan when there’s a Superman movie out. I mean, really?! Not one store that I went into had a Batman shirt. I even went to one of those overpriced sports-and-comics collectible catchall stores which had an entire section of Marvel superhero t-shirts, but I pawed through racks and racks of the other t-shirts, and even was super-brave enough to ask one of the employees for help finding one, and I still came up empty-handed.

Finally, before I went to Target, I decided that I would pray. I sent up a quick prayer to God, “Please help me find a Batman shirt!”

Well, in case you don’t know, God definitely does answer prayers, but he also has a sense of humor about it more often than not, because while I did find a single Batman shirt in the men’s section at Target, it was big enough to be a dress on me and the graphic was all wrong.

I laughed to myself as I said to God, “Okay, so you did find me a Batman shirt and I do appreciate that… but maybe I should have been more specific. I was hoping to find one of the classic Batman shirts, black with the gold logo. Can you help me find one of those? And one that will actually fit me?”

So for my final hurrah I walked over to JC Penney. And again, I found a single Batman shirt mixed in with the men’s t-shirts. And it was even sized small enough to fit my Hobbit body. But it still wasn’t one with the classic logo that I was looking for. I was half tempted to buy it anyway, but I decided not to, because I knew I wouldn’t be happy with it.

When I want something, I usually only want that one thing. And I want it how I want it, or I don’t want it at all. And nothing else will suffice.

Because maybe I shouldn’t admit this, but in spite of my sweet and affable persona, I really am a little Diva Queen way down deep inside. Blame it on me being Irish and Italian? All I know is that yeah, I present as Rainbow Brite, and it’s not that this is the wrong impression of me exactly, because I’m magically adorable and rainbow sparkly, but I’m also more than a little bit Batman underneath that.

Hence why I wanted a Batman t-shirt.

Anyway, I even stopped at Savers Thrift Store really quick on the way home from the mall, but again, no Batman shirt was to be found in the women’s section, the men’s section, or even the boy’s section. Being tiny has its advantages when it comes to buying clothes, because yes, I can and totally do wear kid sizes without any compunction whatsoever. But even having more-than-usual clothing size options didn’t pay off for me this time.

Well, after I got home and proceeded to devour my gluten-free burger and fries that were cooked in a special kitchen Just for Me™️ (see? I really am a Diva Queen 😄), God showed me that what was going on with the Batman shirt was a lot like this one other very specific thing I’ve been wanting from him, that I am absolutely 100% sure is mine, and that he keeps showing me is mine, but no matter what I do, he won’t let me have it yet. Yes, I’m talking about my elusive-yet-fervently-desired Game Boy from this post, in case you were wondering.

I’ve come close to getting this metaphorical Game Boy several times now, but something always gets in the way.

Then God showed me that things have to line up in order for me to find a Batman shirt, just like they have to line up for me to have the Game Boy I’m seeking and believing him for.

And then he did something crazy.

He promised me that not only was I going to find a Batman shirt exactly like the one that I was looking for, black with the classic gold logo, and in my size and everything, the next time I went out looking for one, after striking out at nearly a dozen stores that day… but that if he did that for me, and I kept the faith that he would, he promised me that I would also get my Game Boy.

And I wouldn’t know how or where or when, just like I wouldn’t know how or where or when I would be getting the Batman shirt exactly, but that if I kept believing, he would come through for me on both.

Well, I could maybe believe he was going to come through for me on the Batman shirt, because that seemed like a relatively easy thing for him to come through for me on.

But this Game Boy, oh… I probably don’t need to tell you because this is my second post about it, and actually a lot of my other posts refer to it too if only obliquely, but I want it so bad. I’m like Gollum with his precious over this, but instead of it destroying my life, it’s making me want to improve it. Because I am literally changing my entire life, dealing with things that I haven’t wanted to deal with for years, and knocking down all of the various fears and walls that have been holding me back one-by-one, all in the hope that I can finally have this One Shining Game Boy that I know God has waiting for me in his hands.

My Game Boy is a very good carrot in the old carrot-and-stick routine.

And even though I want to believe that God’s not tormenting me with a carrot I’ll never have just to motivate me, I couldn’t help it. My fear got the best of me yet again. I said, “That’s impossible! Maybe you can get me the Batman shirt, but my Game Boy? I don’t believe it!”

An image came into my mind of one of the most iconic scenes from Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back, where Yoda is instructing Luke in the ways of the Force. Luke lifts the stones Yoda asks him to move easily, but when it comes to the speeder stuck in the swamp, Luke falters. He says it’s too big, that it’s impossible.

And Yoda says to him, “Size matters not. It’s no different, it’s only different in your mind!” (I’m paraphrasing and parsing things down a bit because this is already such a long story, but this is the gist of what he says anyway.)

Then Yoda proceeds to lift the speeder right in front of Luke, effortlessly, and Luke says, “I don’t believe it.”

And Yoda replies, “That is why you fail.”

And God showed me that it’s the same thing with the Batman shirt versus the Game Boy. The only reason I keep getting tripped up about believing that God is going to come through for me with the Game Boy is because in my mind, it’s like the speeder: too big, impossible. But the Batman shirt is like the stones: smaller and easier for him to come through for me.

But just like Yoda did for Luke, God showed me that’s not true. They are no different. And even though it may take a little longer for him to give me my special, limited edition, one of a kind, Game Boy Batman shirt, that didn’t mean he wasn’t going to do it for me at all.

And that if I wanted my Game Boy, I had to act just like I did when I was looking for the Batman shirt, but with my Game Boy. Like, yeah, I was a little disappointed that I didn’t find it, but I didn’t curl up and cry and beg and plead with God every time things went wrong, like I have a tendency to do when it comes to my Game Boy, I’m ashamed to admit.

Instead I just kept looking, because I knew eventually I would find a Batman shirt somewhere.

God promised me that if I took that same attitude with the Batman shirt, and applied it to my Game Boy, that eventually I would have it.

Well, the heat and humidity finally broke by the end of the week, so that Friday I decided to go out driving through what felt like all of western MA looking for a Batman shirt. They did have one in Kohls which had the classic logo, but it was black and gray instead of black and gold, and it wasn’t in my size either.

I didn’t find another Batman shirt anywhere I looked, although I did find a really cool purple tie-dye Journey t-shirt, which is one of my favorite bands, in my favorite color, and not only that, but tie-dye is my favorite type of shirt. So you know I had to get it.

I still kept telling myself, “No, God promised me he was going to give me my Batman shirt today, so I’m going to keep believing,” even though it was getting kind of discouraging for me to keep coming up empty over and over again.

Finally, I drove over to Westfield to go to the Salvation Army there. I remembered how praying led to me finding those two other Batman shirts at the mall, even if they weren’t the exact ones I was looking for. So before I got out of the car to go into the store, I sat and prayed for a moment that God would help me to find my Batman shirt.

Sure enough, I was going through a rack of t-shirts at the Salvation Army and there was my Batman shirt! I exclaimed to myself, “Oh, my Batman shirt!” and snatched it right up.

It was the exact one I wanted: black with the gold logo. And it even looked like it would fit me. which is no small feat when you’re 4’10” and a little over 100 lbs.

I carried it up to the front of the store to pay for it half in disbelief.

Seriously, I’m not joking when I say that I looked at 20+ stores before I found this shirt.

And then, suddenly, after I prayed, there it was.

Just as God promised.

When I got home, I felt a little bit like how Rabbit thought Tigger was supposed to feel after getting lost in the woods: no longer bouncy and pouncy, but a defeated and contrite Tigger, who would be ready to accept that his behavior was more than a little ridiculous.

Because God confirmed to me once again that this was just like the scene in The Empire Strikes Back. That the Batman shirt is no different than the Game Boy. That I have to act exactly like I did when it came to the Batman shirt if I want my Game Boy.

He also pointed out to me that the other shirt I found that day was a Journey shirt, when I had been going on this journey trying to find the shirt… and when he asked me, “What’s your favorite Journey song?” that’s when it all hit home at last…

Because my favorite Journey song is Don’t Stop Believing.

And I could just picture God looking at me nodding his head and smiling, because that’s exactly what I needed to do for this: don’t stop believing.

And shortly after that, a door opened with my Game Boy.

Granted, it’s closed again, because my Game Boy is remarkably resistant to the mind probe… but that’s not the point.

Because right now I think I’m at the point where I’m standing in the JC Penney with the Batman shirt that was the right size, but still the wrong graphic.

And I’m probably going to run into a few more dead ends, just like I did with all of the different stores I went to looking for my Batman shirt.

But every time I look at these two shirts I know that God is going to come through for me eventually, even if I’m not sure how or where or when it’s going to happen.

Because my Game Boy is not too big, it’s not impossible, and it’s no different than the Batman shirt he got for me, no matter what my mind wants to tell me.

Please don’t let this little Batman stop believing, God.